How to Raise a Confident Child
I love this column by Tyra Damm. It appeared in the Dallas Morning News Today. To read it at their website, click here. Otherwise, enjoy and remember the lesson that the author shares.
A healthy self-image for my girl – and a clean kitchen? By TYRA DAMM
My worries about my children are numerous, but one topic that’s rarely on the list is self-confidence. Somehow both Cooper and Katie have self-esteem to spare.
In fact, Katie’s self-confidence positively overflows.
Last winter an education consultant evaluated her kindergarten readiness, a service offered at her preschool. After testing and an interview, the longtime educator expressed one reservation – she doesn’t always have the skills to back up her confidence.
She’s full of bravado, leaving little room for self-doubt.
She proclaims to never be tired or sleepy, as if admitting fatigue would indicate a weakness.
If I say, “Katie, I love you” or “Katie, you’re awesome,” she’s most likely to answer, “I know.”
This summer, as I was asking her basic, single-digit addition questions, she stopped me.
“Mommy, I’m sure I’ll be the best in math in my kindergarten class.”
A few days later she informed me that she really should just start first grade instead.
I couldn’t suppress my laughter as I told her that she had plenty to learn – academically and socially – and that kindergarten was the perfect place for her.
When I brush and pull back her hair in the mornings, she often stares in the mirror and declares herself beautiful.
On paper all of these proclamations may read “conceited.” In real life, she’s really just content and secure.
Katie attended a science day camp just before school began. One morning she walked in and another girl, about a year older, positioned herself right in front of Katie and dramatically pointed her right foot forward.
“I have new shoes,” the older girl said. “They are Twinkle Toes.”
The tone in her voice embarrassed the father, who hastily jumped into the conversation. “Look, honey, this little girl has nice pink shoes,” pointing to Katie’s practical, non-sequined sneakers.
On the drive home I wondered if Katie’s spirit might have been crushed by a girl dropping brand names and showing off her bejeweled feet.
I casually asked her about the exchange that afternoon.
“Katie, how did it make you feel when the girl showed you her new shoes?”
“Oh, I was happy, because we both have pretty shoes.”
I should have known.
One of my parenting goals is to help my daughter maintain her healthy self-image. I want her to hold on to that strong sense of self-worth. I don’t want her to seek unhealthy approval from others.
There are all kinds of studies and statistics that warn of potential difficulty, especially in the pre-teen and early teen years. So I’ve started gathering tips and suggestions.
A common theme among experts is the link between responsibility and self-worth.
William and Martha Sears write on their website: “One of the main ways children develop self-confidence and internalize values is through helping maintain the family living area, inside and out. Giving children household duties helps them feel more valuable .”
The American Academy of Pediatrics advises: “Give your child a chance to show what she is capable of doing. Allow her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time.”
And in one of my favorite development books, Touchpoints 3 to 6 , T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua Sparrow write about children in a Western Kenya village. They observed kids the same age as Katie who had taken on adult roles – cooking, caring for younger children, working in fields.
“Yet we saw little evidence of adult recognition,” they write. “The children were expected to perform these tasks and fulfilling them carried its own inner reward.”
I thought of those children one night this week after I thanked Katie for putting away clean flatware and cups, one of her daily chores.
“Of course, Mommy. I’m happy to help. I’m always happy to help.”
Think I can get that in writing?
